Oh Oh Oh Ozempic

I have waited a long time to write this but after today, I really felt the need to get some things off my chest about someone without diabetes being on a GLP-1.

I started Ozempic about a year ago, I've been on it off and on, little did I know it was going to change my relationship with food for the best.

When I was 10 my dad died, there was no mental health movement for therapy or the online resources we have now. The way I dealt with his death was by filling the void with food. The change in my physical appearance from the age of 10 and up was scary. I look back on pictures now (0-9) and I was so tiny, my dad died and boom, I eat everything in sight - none of it was healthy - and I gained more weight than anyone my age should have. 

That just carried on through my teenage years, young adult and adulthood. Here I am now 40, I was diagnosed with a binge eating disorder when I started seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist at the age of 18. Not only a BED (binge eating disorder) but MDD (Major Depressive Disorder AKA Clinical Depression), the depression bit is to speak on another time, because whew child.

Anyways, BED for me looked like eating a whole bag of chips, pint of ice cream, cookies, maybe some type of meat and cheese... IN ONE SITTING. Let me give you another embarrassing instance, ok this wasn't one time, this has happened multiple times in my life:

Whopper and onion rings from BK,  large fry & large coke from MC, and a M&M blizzard from DQ...and I would eat that, IN ONE SITTING. To me, the only thing to fill my void was eating - Sad = eat, happy = eat, Mad = Eat... I can't regulate my emotions or "fill my empty emotional void" without food. 

So, throw in a BED with body dysmorphia (also diagnosed at 18). When I look in the mirror I see a whale... A WHALE. The thought of a mirror makes me vomit. The view of my body is so skewed (or maybe its not? See, there's my body dysmorphia talking, maybe, who knows) I see a 400 pound woman, whose clothes are too tight even when they're an XL and whose stomach is bigger than I am tall. You can tell me over and over again your thoughts on my body and I will never believe you, because when I look in the mirror I see fat fat fat fat - I'd also love to thank all of my bullies from middle school and high school for strengthening the view on myself, high five.

BED and Body Dysmorphia has my mind in a whirlwind; On one hand I want to cope with my life trauma by eating my feelings, then have major disappointment in myself AND i'm insane about counting calories, what I eat, when I eat, or if I eat at all.

I will restrict my eating, feel exhausted because I don't have healthy food habits and THEN get sad about, which makes me fall in to a binge eating session and the cycle continues...over...and over again.

Fast forward 22 years, which I spent at least 15 of those in therapy for my depression and BED - my therapist did give me amazing ways of coping with certain situations in life, therapy wasn't a lost cause, I am eternally grateful for the coping mechanisms he did teach me. But, when it came to binge eating, I have yet to find that way of life to see myself through those feelings.

Which brings be back to OZ - If you don't struggle with a BED I can't really describe the following but the food noise has stopped. THE FOOD NOISE HAS STOPPED!!! If you don't struggle with your weight or food, you will have no clue what I'm talking about. I no longer have the cravings to fill the void, they could be bad greasy food or sugar, the pull, the almost insufferable craving to fill the sadness with food - IT'S GONE. 

THE. FOOD. NOISE. IS. GONE.

I wish I could tell you how amazing that feels. I cry at the thought. I am no longer consumed with the food I eat, I am not constantly thinking about how to plan my day and food. I am no longer afraid of food, if that makes sense. All of the years of therapy, multiple medications, EMDR - nothing ever helped.

Now, in the past few years my eating habits changed, the quality, and quantity are much more healthy than it ever has been. 

A couple of weeks ago I decided to stop ozempic and the anxiety I got was so overwhelming. I remember years ago I was on Metformin (for a couple of years in 2009 and then for a year in 2015), Metformin was helping me with my PCOS symptoms and ultimately (along with Clomid, in 2009) allowed me to get pregnant and have that little amazing boy of mine. I asked my doctor about trying Metformin and I've been on that, but now I remember why I got off of it, I'm a huge bitch on it. I have zero patience, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm annoyed with everything and everyone. Today I made the decision to get off of that again and go back to Ozempic.

Today I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, there are the same few people who work there and all seem to lead the most miserable lives. They are incredibly judgy and the following happens each time:
BTW - each time I request a refill, I put in the notes that I will be paying cash, they know I KNOW the cost.
Pharm Tech "Are you aware of the cost of this drug without insurance"
Me "I sure do It's $854.00" and I go to swipe my card
Pharm Tech " Ok, again, are YOU aware that this is $854.00"
Me " I AM MORE THAN AWARE THAT I PAY CLOSE TO 1K EVERY 6 WEEKS FOR THIS MEDICATION"
Pharm Tech " I just want you to be aware of how much you are paying out of pocket"

BRO,  MY WALLET TAKES A HIT EVERY 6 WEEKS, I AM MORE AWARE OF THIS SITUATION THAN  YOU ARE AT ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE. YOU DON'T THINK I AM AWARE?

And then as I walk past I hear him say this - "Can you believe she's not even a diabetic and pays that much for that just to lost weight"

I swear to jesus, if I wasn't in a rush, I would have caused the biggest scene, because what I buy and when I buy it, for whatever reason I buy it for, IS MY BUSINESS. It's not to lose weight, it's so my life isn't consumed with the thought of eating, not eating, binge eating so much that I'm miserable, then hating myself, then falling into a deep depression, that makes me not want to shower, not get dressed, not look in a mirror, not get out of bed, contemplate things you've probably never thought of, I fall into the deepest depression that you cannot even comprehend and YOU think you have any right to judge me? If you were any sort of empath, knew anything about sympathy, or were just a decent human being, you wouldn't say the things you do in public for all of the pharmacy to hear. This literally happens with the same person, each time)

But aside from the ass hat who made me feel guilty for this, I quickly got over that feeling because my food noise, the thoughts that have preoccupied my daily life since I was 10 are now gone (so is my money 😂 - Humor helps me cope too).